Hylton I Lightman MD DCH(SA) FAAP

Welcome to this world, New Baby! You’re born into love. This is a “wow” experience for all.

Yet, while it’s exciting, it’s not unusual that it triggers a whirlwind of mixed emotions, especially for an older brother or sister. Don’t be surprised if Big Brother or Big Sister is not all that ecstatic that New Baby has arrived on the scene. Big Brother or Big Sister can be feeling anxious: could it be their position has been usurped?

Take a deep breath, Mommy and Daddy. This is normal. How can you support children through this transition?

Big Brother and/or Big Sister should feel valued and protected. Having a baby is not just about expanding the family and bringing yet another personality into your home. It’s about cultivating the bond between your children from Day 1 of Life. Parents are dancing a (hopefully) planned for dance for which they have prepared and that is resplendent with understanding and empathy.

No two children are alike. Temima may be more easygoing. Yehoshua might be more reticent, less interested, and even a little bit jealous. Each child reacts differently to a baby’s coming home. The approach to each child must be tailored accordingly.

Preparing Big Sister and Big Brother for the new arrival

Things should be relaxed and positive. Begin by speaking naturally about the baby and your excitement. Perhaps show them one of their baby pictures from when they were born. Tell a fun story or two about their coming home.

Address their questions and concerns honestly. If they express concern about not having your attention, assure them that they will still enjoy their special time with you. Explain that babies are helpless and rely on others – and that you, Mommy and Daddy, may need them for help, such as asking them to bring you a diaper or clean outfit.

Parents are encouraged to buy before the birth a present for the older sibling. Wrap it and put it away. Give it to the older sibling when the baby comes home from the hospital, saying it is a present from the new sibling. Bribery has its pluses.

Encourage older siblings to share their feelings with you

If your older child is feeling jealous or perhaps left by the wayside, acknowledge the feeling and tell them it’s okay to feel this way. Give him space to express his feelings and reassure him that he is loved just as much as the new baby.

Expanding the older sibling’s “job description”

Create a role for the older sibling so they feel they are part of this dynamic family. It will generate excitement about the new baby. Encourage your child to sing to the baby or tell him a story and share Parsha notes. Reading to the baby is a win-win since your older child can feel involved and helpful and, at the same time, foster reading skills and love for reading.

When your child helps, write a “mitzvah note” to Morah or Rebbe.

Your child needs your support. With it, they will grow in their joy and confidence.

Consistency and Routine are +++

Children like and flourish when things are predictable. Keep things as steady as possible which will help to make them feel secure. This means maintaining bedtimes, meal times, play times and bathing times. If bedtime stories with snuggling time is what your child knows, do not change it. The same applies to eating leftovers on Sunday night or pizza on Thursday evening. Consistency during times of change means a stable environment. This helps to build secure feelings.

You may need some flexibility here. That’s completely okay. We don’t want rigidity.

Mommy and Daddy — Work on having extra patience. It takes time. Find the right words and tone of voice for integrating the Big Brother/Sister into the baby’s bathing routine. Reassure them of your love.

Communicate openly with your child about changes in routine that are necessary. Explain why things might be a bit different.

Addressing the big elephant in the room – Feelings of jealousy and insecurity

When a new baby arrives, it’s common for Big Brother and Big Sister to experience jealousy because they feel their place in the family is threatened. Jealousy can be expressed in a number of ways, including increased clinginess, aggression towards the new arrival, tantrums, and even regression in toilet training.

Why?

• Big Brother and Big Sister can feel “dethroned.”
• Fear of losing attention
• Competition for resources like love and attention which we adults know is endless but kids may feel is limited.

What’s a parent to do?

• Assure and reassure your child.
• Give them some extra attention.
• Encourage them through little victories like trying a new fork, putting on shoes, or playing a new game.
• Maintain patience. It is a virtue.

Your presence and attention as a parent are the biggest gifts you can give your children. Create warm, wonderful memories that will carry them through childhood, adolescence and beyond, into their establishing their own families. It starts now.

Not sure what to do? Speak to your pediatrician.

As always, daven.