Hylton I Lightman MD DCH(SA) FAAP

If our children do not already know a person with Down Syndrome (or any person with a disability), undoubtedly, they will meet one. Let’s empower them to have meaningful interactions. Hopefully, this will increase the possibilities for positive things to happen.

As a pediatrician, I am a listener. I listen to my patients and their parents. This article is gleaned from 40+ years’ experience of being on the frontlines of pediatric primary health care delivery.

People with Down Syndrome desire to belong to a community and to have friends. They are social creatures who thrive on helpful and encouraging interactions with others. Usually, they love to learn, play and meet new friends.

Staring is not caring

Instruct your children not to stare at a child with Down Syndrome or, for that matter, any person with disabilities.

Instruct your children not to stare at a child with Down Syndrome or, for that matter, any person with disabilities.

Parents of kids with Down Syndrome and other disabilities have shared with me their hurt when someone stares at their child or asks, “What’s wrong with your child?” In a parent’s mind, they have told me, they see nothing “wrong” with their child. In fact, they are not usually offended by questions because they understand this is natural as children recognize differences in the world around them. Says one mother: “I have learned that if we use these opportunities in a positive way of being around ‘differently-abled’ children, we can teach both children and adults to be more sensitive, compassionate and accepting.”

Don’t be afraid to ask questions

Patients come to my office or to shul or the pizza store or Simchas in wheelchairs. Some have tubes in their ears (which are not seen) or other parts of the body (which are more visible) and they don’t always look like other kids. Children are naturally curious creations who want to know everything and anything. Answer the questions simply and honestly. Yes, you may not know what is different about the child. But the way you answer – in simple language and staying calm, cool and collected – will go a long way to helping your children to grow up to have
an expansive and kind view of the world.

Let’s say you use a medical term or share with your children something medical about the person and then your kids might have questions and you don’t know the answer.

That’s okay.

Tell your children that you don’t know the answer but that you will try to find it out for them, provided it’s not invasive to other people’s privacy. You must follow up and make more than a valiant attempt to get your children salient information in a timely fashion. If you can’t get the information, inform your children accordingly.

Use proper terminology and “people first” language

Most people do not want to be defined by their diagnosis or disability. This means not saying the “Downs kid” or the “blind child.” Rather, say “the child who has Downs” or “the child who is blind.”

By using “people first” language, you are conveying that they are a child and a person just like every other child and person. More than anything else, all kids want to be kids. If you are unsure as to the proper terminology, then ask. Most people will not be offended. The key is to use descriptive words that are accepted by people with disabilities. This can be a moving target. For example, when my peers and I were growing up, we used the word “retarded.” This term is considered taboo and derogatory and should never be used.

They are kids just like you

Your child loves Paw Patrol band aids. So does the kid with Down Syndrome. Your child loves to sing and dance to “Tamid Ohev Oti.” Well, so too does the child with Down Syndrome. All kids are aware of the same games, songs and dances which means that all children will have something in common with each other. Help your children to find the commonalities.

Even with a diagnosis, children with differing abilities want to be “one of the gang” and treated like everyone else. This is probably the most important lesson you can teach your child.

All kids need friends, including those with differing abilities. Teach your children to go out into the world with smiles on their faces and greet every person with a bright countenance. Pirkei Avos instructs us to do that. If we achieve this, then we have made the world a better place for all people.

As always, daven.