Hylton I Lightman MD DCH(SA) FAAP

Things are changing and parents – Take note and act.

For the most part, pediatricians are warm, friendly, kids-centric people, not withstanding that not every child wants to come to the pediatrician’s office.

Years ago, in order to make visits to our office “fun,” we instituted giving each child a sticker when the visit is finished.  Our patients leave feeling “gifted.”  There’s a wide array of stickers available — Frozen, Cinderella, Thomas the Engine, Peppa Pig.  It seems like there’s a sticker for everything possible.  We proudly keep ours “G-rated”.

The rule has always been one sticker per child who has been seen.  We relent a bit when asked if siblings have accompanied the patient.  For the most part, children and their parents ask for a sticker and say “please” and accept the sticker with saying “thank you.”

Lately, my staff and I are noticing a shift.  What’s that?

First, some kids accept the sticker, look it over and say they want something else.  In the olden days, children gladly took the stickers, said “thank you” and left happy.

The other shift is parents are asking for more than one sticker and/or for stickers for the siblings at home.  The parent explains, “But his sister is at home and will feel left out if she doesn’t get a sticker.”  Some parents, according to my front desk staff, have been known to roll their eyes and says, “But it’s only a sticker.”

Mommy and Abba – You are so right.  It’s only a sticker.  But it is really something so much bigger.

Instead of focusing on the sticker, think about that there are rules in life wherever we go.  Whether or not we like or even understand the rules should be immaterial.   What matters is there are rules, which are in place so things run smoothly and safely.  This is called “policies and procedures.”  No effective, meaningful entity – whether it’s a family, interpersonal relationships, school or yeshiva or seminary, restaurant, hospital, airline or anything – can function without them.  Businesses have employee handbooks because the terms for employment are clearly stated.  People with Global Entry have one queue at passport control while those who don’t have it have another.  Following rules ensures that missions are accomplished.

Rules have been thought through and thought out.  Are they arbitrary?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because each being or unit or whatever makes the rules as it deems fit and necessary.  You may not like them because it means that you may not necessarily get what you want, how you want it, when you want it.  You may see it as punitive, a punishment designed and meted out specially made for you.  Yet in reality, such is life.  It is your privilege and choice not to like the rules.  Disrespecting them is something else.

Respecting the rules is important as they tend to minimize chaos.  Even more important, when we adults respect the rules, we role model for the younger ones in our lives the importance of rules.

Sometimes, it is better to bite your tongue and say nothing in front of your children.  If you choose to have a discussion, do so privately and respectfully.  No one says that everyone has to agree on everything.  However, respect the rules and respect other people.  Dissing the rules means that your children are learning how to diss your rules.  An unpleasant picture might otherwise emerge, G-d forbid.  Kibbud Av V’Eim is the foundation of Yiras Shamayim.

As far as all the siblings at home who are salivating for stickers – Please.  No two children get exactly equally all the time from each person in their lives.  More than one mother of a large family has told me when they’re off to Israel to help with a newborn grandchild – “Dr. Lightman, my oldest child gave birth and I’m leaving my nine other kids for 10 days to go help.  It’s crazy that I leave nine needy children at home because one child 6,000 miles away really needed me.”

It’s not crazy.  It is reality.

It is the job of parents to explain to their own children that you don’t always get what you want and how you want it.  It is your responsibility to teach your children “No.”  You will be doing them and you a huge Chessed by learning the word “no” and adhering to it.  Not every young frum Jewish man or woman gets into their first-choice yeshiva or seminary or Shidduch.  It is not the end of the world, despite however painful it is in the moment.

But no matter what, you always have to follow the rules.  By doing so, may we raise generations of children who grow into functional adults who are Mikadesh Shem Shamayim in everything they do.  HaShem has given us a Torah with rules, regulations and boundaries.  The purpose is to make us into a better, more functioning human being.

As always, daven.